After a period of travelling, I found home in Portugal, in particular Ericeira, a little fishing village along the coastline of Portugal. I never expected to feel so at home here, everything fell so easily into place, I had to stay here. I feel like I can be exactly who I am meant and need to be here.
When I leave my house, I still need to pinch myself, seeing the ocean directly in front of me while taking in a fresh breeze of ocean air. Is this really where I live? Looking back at my life before all these changes, I wonder sometimes where I found the courage to change it all so drastically.
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” – Brene brown
Up until 7 years ago, at the age of 28 my life was happening in Amsterdam, I had a nice home, a good relationship, a career in a creative start up – all that I needed, right? I started to feel that I was missing something, something profound and deep, I couldn’t put words to it but felt a missing deeper meaning. I tried to ignore that voice, kept on playing the game as I had always done, but after awhile, from one day to the other, I burned out. Emotional discomfort turned into physical discomfort when I didn’t listen to my heart speaking up to me. I remember all the sensations in my body so clearly, feeling my heartbeat so loud and my breath so shallow, it was suddenly hard to breath normally. Just a complete state of panic within me, all the time.
I found a safe haven in a yoga studio, yin yoga finally made me release so many tears, work through all these emotions that were long held in my body. I didn’t know I was holding so much within me until I gave it the space to be there, witnessed and released. I didn’t even know why I was so sad, but at least it gave me a space to reconnect, witness my own struggling and listen quietly. I took a holiday for myself to have some more distance from my normal life, this gave me the necessary signs and eye-openers that it was time to make some changes. I remembered I was still on the medicine they gave me to regulate my heartbeat, thankfully in this holiday I could feel it was time to stop the medicine. When I came back from this holiday, I broke up with my (amazing) partner, quit my job, left my house and gave almost all my belongings away. The craziest decisions I ever made within a few days, but I was sure, so sure. No more attachments, no more strings attached to me, everything aside, just me. I had no answers or plan, but felt lighter and more free then ever before. What surprised me most was that it was not as scary as I thought it would be.
“When it hurts, observe, life is trying to teach you something.”
